One summer evening I found myself supervising my three-year-old niece Sara as she swam in her grandparents’ pool, the rest of the adults having gone in to make dinner. At six o’clock the call came from the kitchen: “Time for diiiiin-ner!”
“Okay, Sara,” I said. “Time for dinner.”
Sara ignored me. She continued paddling by the edge of the pool not four feet from me 
with no change in behavior. She didn’t even look at me. When I could see that she could hear because her head was out of the water, I said: “Let’s go, Sara. They called us to dinner” and got no reaction.
Ignoring someone is rude, and being ignored feels bad. With some annoyance in my voice I said: “Come on, Sara. Time to get out.”
Again, faced with no reaction I said: “Sara, it is time for dinner. If you don’t get out by the time I count to three, I will get you out.” No reaction.
“One” got no reaction.
“Two” still got no reaction, but at what would have been “Two-and-a-half” she gave me a glance.
At “Three” I reached into the pool and pulled her out.
She stood there by the side of the pool dripping wet saying: “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.” Then, she stomped ahead of me up the hill to dinner.
It hurt. No one likes to hear “I hate you” from someone they love. But since that day Sara and I have had a great relationship—friendly, loving and respectful.
Though not necessarily a model of good parenting, my behavior was simple, straightforward and human. She ignored me. It made me mad. I made her get out of the pool and insisted on my prerogatives as the person responsible for her. She communicated the simple truth. Making her stop swimming made her mad.
A natural first reaction to “I hate you” might be self-doubt, guilt or indecision. A good adult response to a childish “I hate you” might simply be to acknowledge her feelings. If I had said back to Sara: “I hear that you are angry. I understand,” I would have been translating my empathy for her disappointment into words without letting her outburst change my decision. A longer version might have been: “I know you are mad at me. I am sorry you feel that way, but you left me no choice. We simply have to go to dinner.” Talking like this to children not only helps you stay on track, but also builds their social-emotional intelligence by showing them how to put words to feelings.
At the same time, having this kind of presence of mind is also not necessary for raising responsible, respectful children. You might not be smart enough to think of these words on the spot, but kids are smart enough to get the idea. Furthermore, too many words and children will pick up that we are trying to convince ourselves of something we are actually ambivalent about. What was critical was sticking to my guns in my own less-that-perfect way. That was something she could respect—and did.
It is natural for parents to hate it when their kids get mad, or cry, or are otherwise emotionally upset, but it is important for us to steel ourselves to it, so that we respond rather than react. If you find not reacting challenging (and most of us do), here are some mantras you can write on Post-its on your bathroom mirror:
- Under-react.
- Keep your adult neediness to yourself.
- Over-explaining undermines your authority.
- Don’t lecture on something that should be assumed.
Children count on adults to be authorities. They are counting on parents to decide what is right and to insist on it without compromise or apology. When we back-peddle, pull a punch or act uncertain, we cause confusion and make trouble for our children and for ourselves as well. When we actually are uncertain, that is okay, too. Just say so. Kids want to know where we stand.
Yes, children want to make their own decisions and become authorities themselves, but they do not want to do this in an authority vacuum. In Sara’s case her parents had recently gotten divorced, and she was looking for some adult to exercise adult authority. Children like knowing that their social world is not a chaotic free-for-all. An authority vacuum makes people anxious and anxious people generally behave badly.
Welcome to my blog about the delights, mysteries, and challenges of educating our children. These stories and reflections are based on my 40 years of experience working with students, teachers, and parents as a principal, father, and education consultant. Join me as we journey down the road of discovering how to bring out the best in our children!
Advance copies available on Amazon
{ 2 trackbacks }
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Great description of the necessary authority that caring adults must exercise, in order for children to feel safe and cared for! Children become extremely anxious when boundaries are unclear. One of the most fine balancing act parents (and educators) perform is the continual adjustment of “appropriate boundaries” as children grow in capability. Ideally, the child should always feel safe and yet able to be as independent and self-directed as possible!
Two points I would add to your story is, what a difference a “heads-up” might have made to Sara. “Sara, in two minutes, it will be time to get out of the pool for dinner. What are your last best tricks you’d like to do before it’s time to get out?”
Also, While we’re on the subject of thinking about communicating clearly with children…”Time for dinner” is not a directive.
Grace, Most excellent contributions. Thank you.
Hi all, I love this story. How to ‘not get mad, get even’ when our authority is challenged is a never ending art. Thanks for reminding us of how asserting our authority relaxes the child who is testing authority. I have learned a helpful tip to add too: if you fear your egotistical temper rising in the face of being blatantly disobeyed etc. move backwards, not towards your child. Even just a step will remind your brain to do what it needs to cool down so you can respond with an appropriate and Just decision. I just like that technique and had to share.
Amusing story, Rick. I remember getting frustrated with my own children, particularly on a long car trip when they started arguing with each other, and I would say something in a stern voice like, “All right, keep it up!” What was that? A warning, a threat or just a preface to my rising temperature? Stupid is what it was.
I think that of late, young parents may have gone overboard in giving children too many decisions to make when they aren’t necessarily equipped with the experience to know the consequences ahead of time. And reasoning with an upset or angry chiild? Forget it. I still believe that there are times when adult authority, if used judiciously, setting boundaries and limits for example, is both good for children and a good model as well. And for heaven’s sakes, don’t threaten a child with a punishment that is either too severe or that you won’t or can’t follow through without worsening the situation. I like the difference between authoritarian and authoritative. That begs for more discussion.
Thank you. Less-than-perfect parenting seems to be more interesting than perfect parenting.
I appreciate your response and the post-its, Rick. Yes, it can be terribly challenging for parents not to get angry or flustered when children are resistant, defiant or say things like, “I hate you”. But essentially, kids are just expressing themselves more honestly than the rest of us do. And when they don’t get out of the pool, I believe that they are definitely asking for our empathy and authority and hoping against hope that we won’t let them down.
The authority they need is benevolent, empathetic, honest, fair, confident and direct. There must be no question that we are on their team and our love and respect is unconditional.
Unfortunately, some parents seem to have retreated to the extreme of perceiving ‘authority’ as a bad word and I agree with Gary: “I think that of late, young parents may have gone overboard in giving children too many decisions to make when they aren’t necessarily equipped with the experience to know the consequences ahead of time. ” One of the many problems with this is that when children don’t get what they need, they keep asking, which then makes parents more and more angry, resentful and likely to take their children’s misbehavior personally.
Great, Janet. I love “There must be no question that we are on their team” –they are never at risk for being kicked off the team.
“I love you AND we both have to go up to dinner AND therefore, you have to get out of the pool now.”
Thank you Rick. Pinned it and twitted the pin.
http://pinterest.com/pin/147141112797355068/ I teach what I call CARE parenting.
Confront unacceptable behavior
Ally with the child
Review why you confronted
Expect positive results.
And real parents sometimes confront too loudly, too long, too harshly. That is when the remaining three steps matter.
Thank you for being a social media friend and a parent advisor I truly respect as we agree on much.
Thanks for this very timely post, Rick. A family I know is really struggling with appropriate parental authority and your wise, grandfatherly words may help.
I said “I hate you” to my mom once, can’t remember why, it was something small for sure, so I assume I was waiting for a chance to see what my mom would do. She yelled and ran at me, I think to spank me, I ran to my room and locked the door and his in my closet. As is the norm in my family, the next day we act as if nothing happened. A few years later, at about 13 years old, i stayed out til past 5am without contacting my mom. I was readily expecting her to tell me how upset she was, that she was worried about me, that she trusted me to call and tell her where I was but I didn’t… Instead she hardly responded when I got home.. “Did you have a fun time?” Was about all she said. I pressed further, wasn’t she worried?.. “I trust you” she said… But I broke her trust! And I’m 13! And what about accidents? I could’ve been ht by a car, kidnapped, who knows! “I trust you” was not what I wanted to hear. “I trust you” sounded more like “I don’t care about you” to me. Be careful what you say or don’t say.. Some kids might not keep pushing your authority for long before resolving that you don’t care…and hose kids usually “turn out fine” anyways, so it’s hard to tell he damage you’ve done to your relationship, and their ability to trust and communicate their feelings to others.
Thanks for this post
Another note – the first time I did a similar push to my dad I said “f*** you”, he was surprised, then for whatever reason we both started to laugh. We then talked. We respected each other more from then on. Our relationship is by no means perfect (I struggle greatly with boundaries and confrontation) but we have been able to talk more person to person since then.
I appreciate Grace’s creative idea of ‘show me your best trick”..I would add..
“You love being in the water.and you wish you could stay all day…”
Thanks for the heads up on your post. Oh boy … this is a good one. I love the ones where I have to look the definition before I say anything, as what I think something means isn’t always correct, and I think that is true for others as well. So first, that is my question: what do you mean by authority? Power? Responsibility? Accountability? Knowledge?
Though I like the origin that was listed in my online dictionary (below), I don’t relate to it as meaning that when I hear it.
ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French autorite, from Latin auctoritas, from auctor ‘originator, promoter’ (see author ).
Certainly we all have had different kinds of experiences associated with authority. It will take some time to put my thoughts into words, but I will do that as soon as I can!
Wonderful post. Very helpful reminders for us with our two, spirited young girls. I love your list of reminders (especially don’t lecture on something that should be assumed–this is where I can most definitely get hung up and tend to take things too personally, that’s why the lecture comes boiling up to the surface!) I will be incorporating your thoughts and ideas as we move into this new year where I have made a goal of breathing more in frustrating times such as these…
Thank you, all, for these terrific comments. Just reading the comments is an education.
funny paradox about parenting. Some ways really ARE better than others, and yet, we can do it the wrong way and it can still be all right.
I am sure this goes to the heart of something.
At least we can all agree on a cliche; i.e. Just be yourself….
and then notice the self you would rather be and go for it next time…if you can.
This is a charming string of posts, “cake and champagne on a summer day” in a world of bread and water under, usually, dreary skies. That day Rick would’ve preferred chocolate cake but now realizes that, hey, what was served up worked just fine.
We see that hindsight and eavesdropping another’s situation continue to be “20-20” as wise and wonderful words share how this piece of positive parenting could’ve been even better.
Lucky indeed is Sara to have a capable dotting Uncle Rick, a pool to play in, dinner in the making, et al, yet how about the world’s multiple Sara’s who live on bread and water, or less, under cloudy skies or thunderstorms, or worse? … How can more of these budding young geniuses and their caregivers get more and better of what Rick and Sara enjoyed?
In dramatic a poem on December 17th, dearest virgins, the Newtown horror and schooling today were juxtaposed in a very controversial manner that drew 30 comments; could this occasion be used as a watershed, a turning point in America’s schooling system?
We got a hint that it could be a new beginning on New Year’s Eve when, under the post “Learning Organization/Club” (a real keeper) of December 26th, Rick posted “Peter, on your resolution, I’m in. Let’s be new in the new year.”
Along the way we’ve noticed more good news; this site is transitioning from the personal, rickackerly.com, to generic branding, geniusinchildren.org.
For one, I look forward to seeing and sharing ways that The Genius In Us All can better support and help The Genius in Children!
Thank you, Rick and everyone, for helping to make it so this New Year, 2013!
Peter, as always very insightful comments poetically expressed. Thank you.
I am glad it inspires you to start a movement.
Rick, I enjoyed reading your post. Great mantras:
“Under-react.
Keep your adult neediness to yourself.
Over-explaining undermines your authority.
Don’t lecture on something that should be assumed.”
When my young son said, “I hate you,” I did not reflect his anger, but said, “Well, I love you,” and continuing doing what I was doing. I guess you could call that under-reacting. Later after I learned about active listening, I would probably have said something like you suggested, naming the anger. As your story pointed out, a parent must follow through with what they say will happen in order for children to feel safe and secure.
I loved these posts. Thanks for eliciting everyones’ thoughts and sharing. I finally got some of my thoughts together and just posted a blog on parental authority on my site. I ended with this: Trust and show your love, trust your child’s love for you and motivation to learn useful behaviors, honor your word, and be sure those three things get across to your child – especially when or just after exercising your authority.
Hi Rick,
I’ve been meaning to leave this comment for a few weeks. I obviously didn’t scroll down far enough! Great post – it’s the type of situation that most parents are probably very familiar with. In this type of situation I always first ensure the child knows that when I say it’s time to get out of the pool, they need to come – no fuss (it works). I make sure they are looking at me when I say time to get out so that there is not excuse – “I didn’t hear you”! On occasions when a child has said something like; “I hate you”, or “Your not my friend any more” – I have responded in an even, non-emotional tone; “Well you’ll have to not like me; you still need to come for dinner”. I find that not chasing there affection seems to increase there desire to want to show it to me. I think this is because it’s immediately attractive when someone shows you a personal boundary as it subconsciously suggests that not everyone get’s this person’s affection – only an elite few. How many parents do I see chasing the child’s affections & the child will almost say “no”, quite commandingly. Children are learning & they like to know where they stand. An adult who demonstates authority is as role-modelling to the child how to be in charge. – I know several children who enjoy being bossey & want to learn that skill – is it any surprise that these children often mimic me like a parrot – Because they want to learn how to take charge like me! – It can take a little time to learn this skill effectively. What helped for me was focusing on how the child would turn out if I did what I see a lot of adults doing. – It’s very easy when you want to avoid the potentially negative way the child could turn out by giving in & chasing affection, as you know you are doing the right thing by the child.
Paula, Brilliant!!! I love the concept of not chasing affection, and I prefer your “Well, then you will have to not like me” to “well I love you anyway.”
In any case there are many right ways, the key is be an authority.