Yesterday, waiting at gate B22A at O’Hare a parent told me how frustrated she was with her teenage daughter.
“I’ve tried everything with Julie. I read the parenting books and tried it all, and it’s just not working.”
“What did you try?” I asked.
“You know. I confronted unacceptable behavior; I acknowledged her feelings while insisting on what I wanted. I tried not take it personally, but nothing worked.”
“How do you know it’s not working?” I asked.
She looked at me as if I were either goading her or simply an idiot. “She keeps doing the very things I tell her not to do.”
“With teenagers,” I said, “that is not a sign that it is not working. Adolescents are not constituted to obey. They are wired to disobey. Well, not exactly disobey. They are wired to make their own decisions—not necessarily good ones, but to make them. It is essential for their survival that they practice making decisions and noticing results.”
She, of course, was not relieved to hear this. Raising teenagers can be a nerve- wracking experience, and I have never known a parent who is in the throes of this enterprise to be easily pacified. And anyway, I never got the chance to attempt further consolation, because the boarding process began just as I was delivering my shocking message that “They are wired to disobey.”
I wish I had had the time to tell her about a conversation I had with 18-year-old Allison as I drove her home from a basketball game one Wednesday evening several years ago.
“I listen to my father,” said Allison, “because I have found that he tells me things that turn out to be true. Like ‘Never go out without money,’ he says.”
Allison had needed someone to talk to. Last Saturday night there had been a party where some of her classmates got drunk and trashed the house of a classmate.
She went on: “I wish I could talk to the parents of my friends and tell them how to talk to their kids. I wish they would tell them things like ‘Never go out without money.’ There we are at Starbucks and they’re all, ‘Allison, can you pay for this? I didn’t bring any money,’ and I go, ‘Sure.’ But it get’s annoying. They do pay me back, but it’s annoying. Parents ought to be careful what they tell their kids, so that when they give them advice, the kids will listen. What those kids did to that house was gross.”
“But you don’t always do what your father says, do you?”
“No, but when he talks, I do listen. Sure, it makes me mad when he tells me to get off Facebook and to start doing my homework, but I know he is telling me the right thing. That’s the point. I know it is the right thing for him to tell me. It makes him mad when I don’t do it right away, but that’s the way it’s supposed to be between parents and their teenagers. I know he’s right. I just have to do it myself. He has become like an authority. When he speaks I listen.”
Don’t all parents want to become “like an authority?” Listen to Allison. She is on to something very important.
Until age five, it is important for parents to back up their statements–with force if necessary. If a parent says: “No, you can’t have a candy cane before dinner,” then it is very important that the child does not eat a candy cane before dinner. “Eight o’clock bedtime” has to mean: In bed by eight. Period. If a parent says it’s bad for you and then let’s you do it, how can you trust such a parent. Why should a child listen to such a parent?
However, by age thirteen, the human brain is working to develop and consolidate the part of the brain that makes decisions—the pre-frontal cortex. By 18 the teenage brain has all the circuitry of an adult brain, but not enough practice. They know drinking to excess is not good for you, and that trashing a house is very bad, but the adolescent mind is open to other possibilities which must be tested to be “known.” Close relationships with adult authorities are important for helping kids know which end is up. If kids listen to parents it is because parents have proven that they are authorities worth listening to.
Welcome to my blog about the delights, mysteries, and challenges of educating our children. These stories and reflections are based on my 40 years of experience working with students, teachers, and parents as a principal, father, and education consultant. Join me as we journey down the road of discovering how to bring out the best in our children!
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I was a very sullen, know-it-all teenager, Rick, back when the wheel was brand new, and caves near the water were all the rage.
But I had patient parents. I had some leeway but always felt trusted to make the right choices. Aside from one “incident” with the family car, I mostly did make the right choices.
Then late in life I was blessed with a daughter whose independent streak makes me look positively clingy as a person. I’ve always felt that given the 10 or 11 years of training I’ve already had with Miss Opposition, that the teenage years would be a breeze. She’ll be 12 in a few months and I’m not afraid of her or her behaviour. I love it that she says “no” a lot because maybe she’ll say no the day someone suggests that she try a drug or a cigarette. I love it that she makes me think of intelligent arguements to come back at her when she can’t see the logic of something because my logic will make sense one day and she’ll remember it when she needs it.
I’m doing everything in my power to encourage her to be herself, whomever that may be in the end because heaven knows there are forces out there that would want her to be something or somebody else.
Teenagers are the best.
Brilliant, Shirley. Thank you.
Rick I LOVE this. Not just for teenagers. For all ages. I think you are right that kids are always listening, just not always responding. You increased my confidence that when it really, really matters, my girls will do the right thing because they have been listening all along. It’s okay that they don’t immediately oblige every request, suggestion, command etc. that I heave their way. I get it that they want to do things on their own terms. Although annoying and exhausting, I do respect this. But they are most definitely taking it all in, incorporating and internalizing our authority and building a strong foundation for maneuvering through life. Thanks for so clearly articulating these subtle nuances parent/child dynamics.
Thank you, Lisa, for seeing so clearly. I am glad it is helpful. For a whole generation, teachers and parents have been using “Listens to adults” as a euphemism for “obeying adults.” They are two different things.